Health Zealots

I’m not the healthiest eater in the world; in fact most dieticians would be rather concerned at my eating habits. My poor diet mainly comes from laziness and finding cooking to be extremely boring and arduous. Also there’s the small matter of money; I don’t care what Jamie Oliver says, making meals every night full of vegetables, eating loads of fruit everyday and so on is not cheap at all and no weak argument you can put forwards can change my mind on that, it is officially not as cheap as eating shite. When you’re on an incredibly tight budget, which itself is very small, you just can’t afford it.

Anyway, that’s not what I’m intending to rant about. Instead this rant is aimed at health fanatics and fitness freaks. The biggest shower of utter bastards since the Nazis, fact.

I’ve just been vaguely watching a program on television with some supposed doctors ganging up on some overweight woman and thinly disguising their utter disgust at the vile, barely-human specimen they have in front of them with the façade of helping her have a healthier lifestyle. I just saw the diet they gave her; it’s actually less interesting than licking concrete. At least concrete might have some taste to it. Oh but apparently food isn’t about taste, it’s merely about looking after your body, you should never actually enjoy food! They also highlighted the fact that the woman had, on average, 8 cups of coffee a day. This was met with a mixture of mind-blowing horror and a hysteria that can only be matched by the Daily Mail when someone gets a tattoo and touches someone of the same sex. They even claimed that the 8 cups of coffee would lead to alcohol addiction and erratic behaviour close to that of someone suffering from manic depression. A well-informed statement I'm sure. They're television health doctors after-all aren't they? They're surely not just sniping, bitchy, haggard little rodents that believe humour, taste and fun are works of the Great Mars Bar burning in Hades below.

I hate these dour, sniping little weasels that spend their whole lives eating nothing but pulses, nuts, fruit, pottage and foliage. Want something sweet? Oh well why not enjoy the delicious, natural sweetness of a Kiwi fruit? Want something to treat yourself with? Why not have a naughty packet of dried peaches? You filthy, disgusting person. What kind of life is that? You might, by some good luck, live about 5 years longer than everyone else but that’s 5 years of wetting yourself, smelling like rotting vegetables, having a face like a rucksack full of dented bells and being patronised by most people you encounter, which is normally no-one as your friends are dead and your family are miles away and only remember you at Christmas or on your birthday when they send you the customary bottle of gin, whether you like it or not. So well done you, you’ve lived longer to enjoy those benefits of old age. You can be safe in the knowledge that you’ve spent the entirety of your joyless life sneering at other people for being fat, denying yourself endless wonderful foods and spending more time in the smug, sweaty, homoerotic utopia that is “the gym” than anywhere else, desperate to lose those two pounds that are stopping you from becoming a person worth something to society, at least in your eyes anyway. Personally I’d rather pump people like that full of cake so that it comes out of their eyes and drowns them in fatty, carby goodness. Not only that but they’d actually experience something that tastes good for the first time in their life.

You’re going to die like everyone else, don’t try and kid yourself that you’re not. You only get one life and there’s no point in wasting it with the delusion that because you’re more healthy than everyone else you’ll live 100 years longer. No, you’re going to die, decompose and fade into obscurity like pretty much everyone else. Except those people will have had happy, fulfilling lives. They’ll have enjoyed a huge variety of foods with endless different tastes and textures, they’ll have made many friends with that alien concept known as a “personality” and they can die safe in the knowledge that yeah, they might not be healthy, they’re a bit wheezy, there are a few extra lumps of flab but they enjoyed themselves.